Unsettling People

One of the lectures I remember most clearly from my university days, was by a professor who was explaining how the human brain operates, if you were to view it as a computer e.g. what algorithms, sorts etc. it uses to manage information. The reason I remember it so vividly, is because I came away from it going, “Is that it?” I was sorely disappointed that the actual underlying operations that the brain uses to manage the information it stores and recalls was basically very simple – almost simplistic. Obviously, the inner workings are more complex than this, but at the crudest level, the brain uses categories and scripts to manage its information; what it knows is labeled into a category for recall, and may have a script of behaviors/actions attached to it. The brain is basically a giant filing cabinet.

Sometimes the categories (or drawers of the cabinet) get confused and/or things get incorrectly filed. This can be seen when people develop a phobia. If a person has a phobia of snakes, they will start to identify and react to things such as electrical cables, pieces of rope, etc. - as snakes. These things bear a close enough resemblance to a snake, that they get categorized as being snakes. We also develop and have pre-written scripts that inform us as to how we should act and behave in certain situations; these could be referred to as rituals. When we are involved in non-predatory aggressive conflicts, we by default, follow these scripts or rituals – no differently to any other species; we shout, we posture, we push and shove, a punch gets thrown, a person goes down, etc.

In last week’s blog article, I talked about the differences between fear and anxiety; fear being a fear of the known, and anxiety being the fear of the unknown. One of the reasons we are so uncomfortable with anxiety is that we can’t categorize what is unknown, or apply a familiar script to it. Our brain’s computer can’t handle these exceptions well – in fact, we will often try to imagine what it is, or come up with a reason for what is causing us to be anxious, so that it can be filed away neatly. Our emotional state is satisfied regardless of whether the categorization is correct or not, it just needs everything to be put in a drawer. We may turn the reasons for anxiety into a known fear, because at least we can manage that, and/or apply a script to it, even if the outcome envisaged is not a positive one for us e.g. we will willingly make a bad choice if that allows us to understand/categorize the situation we are in.

One of the most effective doormen/bouncers I knew, like most effective security personnel, hardly ever had to use physical force. He also never said much during a verbal altercation, and ended disputes and arguments that had every appearance of turning nasty, very quickly. He had a simple trick for unsettling aggressive people which was to smile warmly at them – an action/behavior that is hard to categorize in an aggressive altercation, and one that doesn’t have any familiar scripts associated with it. His response to aggression caused anxiety, and people don’t like to be anxious. They may be comfortable managing their fear, but the unknown makes them feel extremely uncomfortable, and this leaves them floundering. If he had responded aggressively, posturing back, to their posturing, they would have been on familiar territory – they may have felt fear, but it would be known, understood and could be managed. The unknown is different, it is unsettling, it causes doubt and in extreme cases, panic. If you can unnerve a person, the fight is already over.

Now, I’m not saying that smiling at an aggressor is a solution that can be rolled out in every instance, and it takes a certain personality to pull it off convincingly i.e. it must be a genuine smile, not a put-on one. When we are looking at emotional interpretations of body language and behavior, fakers are easily spotted, however there are other ways to unsettle and unnerve aggressors, which are easier to make work than smiling. The goal here is to make an unfamiliar/unknown response, that can’t be categorized and processed, and/or misdirects the aggressor to interpret it in a way that they are familiar with.

I often hear people talk about fighting stances. Fighting stances don’t exist in real-life confrontations; fights are dynamic things, that should involve movement – you should be striking, moving, blocking, etc., not standing stationary with your hands up; that just lets your aggressor know what you are up to, and gives them a piece of information they can categorize (clenching your fists and holding your arms up is familiar to them). However, most fights and conflicts are preceded by some form of verbal exchange (the Pre-Conflict Phase of the fight), and the stance you adopt in this phase can be used to unsettle your aggressor, and in some cases, cause them to walk away. An aggressor involved in a verbal confrontation will expect you to either act submissively or posture back to them – responses that follow an understood script and can be easily categorized. Not responding in either of these ways, can unsettle an aggressor causing them anxiety (fear of the unknown).

If you stand upright and tall with a straight back you are posturing, however if you put your hands out in front of you with the palms loosely facing your attacker, your hand gesture is submissive i.e. this is the international body language for, “I don’t want any trouble”. When an aggressor meets your eyes, and is met with this confident/posturing but submissive stance, they must try and put this information into a compartment, and find an associated script to interpret your actions/behaviors. When they can’t do this, they will be unsettled and anxious. If in this moment you ask them, “what can I do to sort this out?” you are now giving them a “familiar” script for them to interpret – that of the helpful person looking to assist them in finding a solution to their situation. They are likely to trade the unknown, for the known, and treat your question as a life-line to help them from experiencing the anxiety they are currently feeling.

Is this approach guaranteed? Of course not. There are individuals who may react to uncertainty by fast forwarding themselves towards physical violence, but in truth, such individuals usually find themselves heading there anyway, regardless of how you act/behave. Even if unsettling an aggressor, doesn’t allow you the chance to de-escalate, a hesitant and unsure attacker is easier to deal with than a decisive and committed one. Unsettling somebody is a set up for de-escalating the situation, and not an end solution.