Assertiveness

I sometimes feel that the self-defense message of “Don’t be a Victim”, gets interpreted as, “Be Assertive” i.e. stand up for yourself etc. The two are not necessarily synonymous. There are many ways you can avoid becoming a victim, with assertive action being only one solution/way – and not always an effective one. In many ways, it is up to the individual – not everyone else – to decide what constitutes being a victim e.g. is the person who hands over their wallet to a mugger as part of a predetermined plan, really a victim, if their action leads to their desired and planned outcome; they don’t get stabbed or shot? In such an instance they have exacted a plan which allowed them to control the situation, rather than be an idle player or a “victim” in it. Whilst there may be individuals who take up self-defense and the martial arts because they don’t want to have to hand over their wallet to an armed assailant, as they see such actions/compliance as making them a victim. They are confusing becoming a victim with a lack of assertiveness. Don’t get me wrong there are times to be assertive, however “standing up” to an armed assailant(s) by default isn’t the most effective solution to a mugging or robbery.

Being overly assertive is also a good way to draw attention to yourself, something that some schools of thought might promote as a means of demonstrating to any predatory individuals that you are not a victim/someone to be messed with. However, whatever the primary motivation an assailant has e.g. money, sex, valuables etc. there are many secondary motives wrapped up in violent assaults, including: anger, power and control. Putting yourself out there on a predators radar by acting/behaving overly assertive may encourage rather than discourage them from selecting you as a potential victim e.g. if a mugger, who has little or nothing to show for their life, identifies an individual who seems confident, assertive and full of themselves, they may target them so that they can enjoy a degree of power and control – normally lacking in their life - and work out some of the anger issues that they may have. Far better, not to be noticed at all, than be seen as either a “victim”, a “badass” or an “overly confident/assertive” individual. If you can’t be seen you can’t be targeted.

Nobody likes to be told what to do, and being overly assertive can lead you to do just this. By “standing up” for yourself, you may end up giving someone no alternative but to physically engage with you. We should remember that we are not always dealing with people who are either operating rationally, or working to the same reality we are. In my world chairs/seating in a bar/pub is determined on a first come, first served basis. For somebody who has been drinking in that bar for 20 years, seating may be allocated according to where they and the other regulars, always sit when they drink there. This could mean that I end up sitting in someone else’s chair, even if the pub is almost empty. If said person turns up and tells me I am sitting in their seat, I may determine that I need to be assertive with them, and explain my position. Unfortunately, what I must realize is that they’re not interested in hearing my side of the story, they just want to sit in the seat they’ve always sat in. Being assertive is not going to get me anywhere in this type of situation.

Assertiveness is often tied and wrapped up with ego e.g. nobody should be allowed to say things like that to you, act that way towards you etc. I agree that people shouldn’t be allowed to treat people a certain way, such as sticking a knife in your stomach and demanding your wallet. However if you find yourself in such a situation, and your first concern is to be right and assert yourself, my guess is you’ll get stabbed; not an effective solution. Assertiveness can work if it involves setting sensible and workable boundaries for low level type confrontations however it fails miserably when dealing with highly emotional individuals, those who don’t share our understanding of reality and when dealing with those who are working to a criminal plan.