Dating Advice

As a 42 year old man, it is both strange and amusing to me, to be writing a blog article, giving dating advice, however after some of the conversations I had over the weekend during/after our women's self-defense class, I feel this is good a time as any to talk about dating from a personal safety perspective (especially as it coincides with our Annual Campus Safety Seminar, aimed at young women going off to university for the first time). 

There's much been written about dating safety, all of which we have to acknowledge, has been read by the predatory individuals who it's aimed at dealing with - this is always a problem when publicizing personal safety advice. Every sexual predator, knows that their date, will have arranged to meet in a well-lit place, and told somebody where they'll be and what time they will be leaving etc. These are all good precautions to take, however they shouldn't be looked on as conclusive - a date can always convince you to stay out later than you planned, and any predator is unlikely to attempt an assault so early on - they will take their time to assess a target's vulnerability level, and test how likely they are to acquiesce to any demands made of them without resisting. For the predator a date is simply an interview, where they check the suitability of the person they are interviewing. 

When going on a date for the first time, you are best choosing a weeknight. This gives you a good excuse not to drink too much, as you can always make the argument, that you have work or school tomorrow morning; something, which is harder to do if you go out on a Friday or Saturday night. It's also an opportunity to see if your date, tries to pressurize you into drinking heavily, or whether they respect your choice/decision - if somebody doesn't listen to you on this then it could be that they are pushing a particular agenda that isn't in your best interest. Going out on a weeknight, also gives you an easy opportunity to end the evening early, if either the date doesn't measure up, or if you develop concerns regarding their intentions and your safety. It's hard to make a case for going home early on a Friday, or Saturday, as it's obvious that you planned to have your evening free to go on the date e.g. who doesn't go out on a Friday or Saturday Night and not stay till last orders? 

Try and set the date to be an event you can easily walk away from. Arranging to meet for a meal, or to go to the movies etc. means that you have to really stay to the end. Meeting for a drink, or for coffee, means that you can allocate time to the date incrementally i.e. one drink at a time. If things aren't going well either socially or from a personal safety perspective, you aren't obligated to stay any longer than you want or have to. If things go well, you can always extend the time, though it would be wise to have an end time in your mind and stick to it, regardless of how well the date might seem to be going. 

Sort out in your head, what information you are comfortable with letting your date have access to and what information you don't want out there - telling someone where you work, may seem an easy and natural conversation piece however if you later decide you never want to see the person again, and they decide otherwise, then they know where to find you - and from there can find out other things about you, such as how you get to work etc. Setting the date to be naturally short, will take some of the pressure of you - if you go out for dinner, you may find that you end up talking more about yourself than you'd like just to fill up the conversation and avoid awkward silences. 

Always have a legitimate reason to leave. At the start of the date, tell the individual, something that you can use to get you out of there quickly. Informing them that your sister's children are ill, and you might have to go and help look after them if called, is a good type of excuse to use. It's one that its difficult for a person to argue with, especially when you put it out there at the start of the date. Any excuse which makes you responsible to somebody else will work. You can always add an apology to this if necessary. How your date responds will also give you an idea about who they are as an individual. If you've gone out on a weeknight, you should be able to end the date without feeling guilty for spoiling somebody's weekend etc. 

It goes without saying to use alternative communication methods, than your regular ones e.g. having a different phone number that you use/give to dates (and can afford to get rid of if necessary), is far more preferable than having to get rid of your mobile phone because you don't want this person to ever call you again. There are many services and apps that are free (such a Google Voice), that will give you a number you can use, and if necessary discard. The same too for email. 

At the end of the day, you should remember that the person you are meeting with is a stranger. Run with the definition of a stranger being someone who you don't have experience of their actions and behaviors, in a particular setting, and it'll be difficult for them - if they don't respect your personal safety - to get you to behave in a way that compromises it. Most people you will meet are not predators and don't want to harm you, however unfortunately we must continue to take safety precautions with everyone we meet, because there are those individuals out there who have the ability to cause us pain and harm.