Falling for Predator's "Traps"

In every aggressive or violent interaction you have, there will always be a primary motive, possibly a secondary motive and a host of underlying motives – whether the act of aggression is one of demonstrating dominance over you, or trying to take possessions from you. When we talk of primary and secondary motives, we are referring to situations where a predatory individual engages in one type of crime, such as a mugging or burglary (crimes aimed at gaining resources), which then turns into a sexual assault or rape (crime of dominance) i.e. the predator is primarily motivated to commit one crime, but if the opportunity to commit another occurs then they will take this. Underlying motives are ones which help fuel the primary and secondary motives e.g. anger, control, power etc.

In certain acts of violence such as muggings, and sexual assaults the goal and motivation to commit the crime are usually understood by both parties e.g. somebody wants to mug you, it is clear what they want, and how they are motivated etc. However we may also experience acts of aggression, both at a high and a low level, where a person’s motivation may not be so obvious e.g. the person who refuses to move out of our way when we are trying to get on/off a bus or train etc. or the person who seems to take extreme offense at our very presence in a bar or club, and is trying to drive the situation so that they have a “legitimate” reason to become physically violent towards us. Such situations, can often appear extremely confusing to us, because in neither one does the person acting aggressively seem to get anything out of the situation – yet they must, or they wouldn’t engage in such behaviors.

This is where understanding that it may be the underlying motives, which cause a person to act aggressively. Part of our human condition, sees us wanting to exert control over the situations we find ourselves in – in many cases the rules of society and employment, will naturally restrict our ability to do this e.g. at the end of the day you have to do what your boss tells you, or you get fired. As social animals, we buy into this idea because it yields rewards (such as a paycheck), but it is not in our nature as animals to automatically hand over control, to others in such an automatic fashion. If somebody feels that they have given up large elements of control in their life, they will often take advantage of ambiguous situations, where no formal rules of behavior exist, and exert their desire to control their environment in these i.e. their work, social, family lives see them have little opportunity to influence or control their life, so they engage in small acts of control and dominance in other settings to compensate.

If somebody has perceived that they’ve experience a loss of status in any one of the groups and environments they operate in, they will also look to exert control in other areas of their life, that they may not otherwise be motivated to do so e.g. if they are passed over for a promotion, they felt was due to them, in the work environment, they may try and up their status in the eyes of their peers in other groups they interact with – such as their drinking buddies; they may act more aggressively within the group to force a higher position in the pecking order, and/or act aggressively/violently towards, someone outside of the group, so they reinforce/extend their position as a group member. Studies have show that people will largely put double the effort to regain status than they will to try and simply improve status. The mistake we make is that we often separate the groups, and the hierarchies, believing that someone who suffers a loss of status in a work setting, will only try and readdress that loss in that particular setting, rather than in their social, familial and other environments.

If we have been chosen as the victim/target of such aggression, we may find ourselves initially confused as to why we, rather than somebody else has been picked on – we basically fitted the profile of somebody they believed they could dominate, and whose domination would be respected by the group they were with etc. To regain this perceived loss of status, the individual involved, will have to find a way to justify both to themselves and the group, that they had the right to act violently, and they weren’t simply engaging in aggression and violence for its own sake. Simple lines such as, “Are you looking at me?”, “What’s your problem?” etc.is about projecting the “challenge” on to you, and away from them; making you the instigator of the aggression, which then justifies their right to become aggressive and violent towards you. These type of questions are scripted out, and we often fall into the trap, of answering them in a way that facilitates and promotes violence, rather than one that deflects, distracts and de-escalates the emotion within the situation.

One way we do this is by denial e.g. we tell the person that we’re dealing with that, no we weren’t looking at them – which then sets them up nicely for the next line, which might be, “Are you calling me a liar?” etc. Our goal should be to answer in a way that prevents an aggressor from continuing with their script e.g. “Hey I’m sorry, I guess I was, I haven’t got my contact lenses in, so I can’t actually focus and see people at that distance, so sometimes when I’m just looking in a general direction, it may seem like I’m looking at one person; my bad, sorry.” – a line such as this acknowledges their “interpretation” of the situation, without giving them the “justification” to become violent.

It might not always be clear what an aggressor’s motivation is when they begin to act aggressively, and they may not consciously understand why they feel the need to become violent, and this is when the underlying motives surrounding violence start to become more important. If we also recognize that the “scripts” that are used in such situations, are largely hard-wired into our DNA, we can interrupt the process, by taking the situation in a totally new and different direction.