Treating Each Step towards Disaster as Normal

I rarely write about violence within relationships, and relationship abuse, as it is an emotive subject for many people. However on Saturday in our free women’s class, we had a group of girls come from one of the High Schools, in Boston, and it reminded me of the fact that violence towards young women, by boyfriends and partners, is becoming looked on as something which is more and more normal and something which should be expected by young women involved in dating and/or intimate relationships.

Violence and abuse within relationships can be categorized into 5 different types:

1. Psychological
2. Emotional
3. Physical
4. Sexual
5. Financial

Psychological abuse, involves threats, both implicit and explicit, which may be made in direct or indirect ways. Sometimes the threats will start off being delivered in a jokey and humorous fashion, as if they’re not real, with the abuser eventually making good on them. They may even make the accusation that their partner/girlfriend never takes what they say seriously. Psychological abuse is designed to make the person be afraid of their partner/boyfriend.

Emotional abuse, plays on a person’s self-esteem and self-worth. Abusers will use lines like, “you’re so lucky to have me, nobody else would love somebody as fat or as ugly as you.” By chipping away at their partner’s self-esteem, their partner begins to feel that they are lucky to with the abuser, and that this may be the only time/way they will ever be in a relationship. Abusers may also use threats against themselves to emotionally victimize their partner/girlfriend e.g. “if you ever leave me, I’ll kill myself.” Statements like this make abused partners feel responsible for their abuser, and starts to get them to change their actions and behaviors so that they start doing everything in their partner’s best interest. Emotional abuse is designed to make the person being victimized feel that they are both lucky to be in a relationship with their abuser, and that they are solely responsible for the success and happiness of the relationship. Emotional abuse can also involve criticizing the way that a partner/girlfriend dresses e.g. “you look like a whore wearing that dress/skirt.”

Many women who are being physically abused, often don’t recognize that this is what is happening to them. If a partner/boyfriend, blocks your way to keep you in a room, it’s a form of physical abuse – it may not leave a bruise or a scar, but it is physical abuse. Partners who constantly snatch things, knock/spill things over their partner, restrict and block their partners movements are engaging in physical abuse. Often this type of physical abuse, precedes (and can be used as a predictor) for the violent abuse that does leave the person whose been victimized, hurt and injured.

Sexual abuse, can be as simple an act, as a partner refusing to recognize their partner’s sexual choices (and freedom), by not wearing a condom. It can also include pressurizing their partner, to engage in sexual acts they are uncomfortable with, and sending naked selfies etc. By the using emotional abuse that chips away at their partner’s self-esteem, it may be that their partner/girlfriend feels that going along with such demands is the only way that they will be able to stay in the relationship. An abuser may also make threats such as, “if you won’t do this for me, I’ll find someone who will.”

Financial abuse, can be as basic as forcing the partner to pay for dates and meals, and borrowing money that the abuser will never give back. It can also involve criticizing the spending choices that an individual makes, such as the amount spend on a pair of shoes etc. The abusers goal is to initially control their partner’s spending choices, and eventually their money directly. Women, regardless of the commitment level they have to the relationship, should remain financially independent from their partner – this means if they want to leave a relationship they have the choice to do so. Many women in abusive relationships find it almost impossible to leave their partner because they have no means of financially supporting themselves – this is especially true if they have children that they would have to support.

Few cases of abuse, start with the abuser revealing themselves for who they are. In fact most abusers start relationships appearing to be the perfect partner, being overly generous to the point of embarrassment and talking seriously and with conviction about their long term plans for the relationship. Gradually they will isolate their partner, from their friends and family, arguing that they and the relationship, should meet all of their partner’s needs. Through emotional abuse, they may force their partner to change the way they dress and look e.g. “you’re not wearing that, you look like a hooker.” They may start to put pressure on them to engage in sexual acts/practices, that they are not comfortable with – this is more about exerting control over their partner, than about sexual gratification. Abuse most often happens, step by step, with the victim treating each step as normal, as they edge ever closer to disaster.

Individuals in abusive relationships, are continually revising their base-lines of what a normal relationship looks like, and this is why it is difficult for those in abusive relationships, to recognize that they are. Each step along the path to abuse, has caused them to revise what they thought was normal, and so they never really get an idea of how far from normal they’ve come. Abuse should be recognized and identified for what it is. It can be difficult for an individual to admit to themselves that they are in an abusive relationship, especially when they have feelings towards their partner, but recognizing abuse and calling it for what it is, at the earliest opportunity, is the most effective way to deal with it.