The Art of Persuasion – Recognizing When You Are Being Played

There’s a huge difference between being sold a car and buying one – that’s not to say that those who work in car dealerships are inherently crooked or dishonest - but rather that there are those individuals who are very good at convincing people that the car they don’t really need, is the one that they desperately want; and/or upselling them on features and upgrades that may be nice but don’t really add much to the driving experience. It’s possible to walk away with a genuinely great “deal” and still have it not be the deal you were actually looking for. There are some people who seem to have a natural gift for getting us to want what they’re offering and fortunately most times the real cost(s) are relatively small and inconsequential e.g. the state-of-the art Bose stereo may not really be worth the extra $5 per month on your car payment, when you only listen to Fresh Air with Terry Gross, etc. However, there are times when “getting played” is a serious matter, as when helping a person in need who is the bait for a larger crime such as an abduction or home invasion, or agreeing to get into a stranger’s car after the first date, etc. It can sometimes be difficult to separate a genuine story, from a fake one (especially if our natural disposition is to help others in need) however if we understand how and why we can be easily persuaded – even against our better judgement – we will be one step nearer to recognizing a con that may compromise our safety. However, before we look at the “art of persuasion” we must first acknowledge to ourselves that however good we believe we are at identifying a scheme, and however immune we believe we are to being flattered and charmed, every one of us can be played and conned if the circumstances are right. We all have weak spots and vulnerabilities that can be exploited, and the skilled player knows how to discover, recognize, and use these.

Almost a hundred years ago Charles Ponzi, came up with a scheme (which bears his name), which is still being run to this day. If you thought this type of con died when Bernie Madoff was caught/exposed, be aware that in the U.S. it is estimated that more money is lost through Ponzi Schemes, than through shoplifting. We just aren’t aware of it, because the usually rich victims don’t draw attention to it (I once did some work for an investment bank that lost millions annually due to fraud, and although they wanted to limit this, they were more afraid of this fact becoming public knowledge than the actual financial losses). Ponzi schemes are pretty simple: you promise some investors a good return on their money, and keep getting new investors to pay in, so you can keep paying out, whilst taking your cut – all works fine until you can’t find any new investors to keep funding the scheme. For the whole thing to work, the individual(s) running the scheme need to gain the investor’s trust – something necessary in any con. Words are important, and when we understand the types of words that are used to gain our trust, we have a better chance of identifying when we are being played. The Hebrew book of proverbs contains the line, “the liar extends his own testimony” i.e. when somebody is lying, they talk and say far more than should be necessary. The notes that Ponzi issued to his investors were dense with words like “Guarantee”, “Obligation”, “Promise”, “Gold-Backed”, etc. They are the words that an investor wants to hear – and there were too many of them. The confidence that the scheme is legitimate comes from the wording, not the message. This is also often seen with people who fake suicide notes, to cover up a homicide. Genuine suicide notes usually have a mix of emotions in them e.g. there are often as many expressions of anger as there are of despair and depression, etc. however somebody faking a note, usually doesn’t recognize this, and so fills the note densely with expressions of sadness and desperation i.e. they use over-use certain words, and do so densely, without actually communicating a message. People trying to gain our trust because they are untrustworthy and have nefarious purposes towards us, are usually far too “obvious” and take far too long to say what actually needs to be said. However, if the promised rewards are great enough, we’ll often choose to believe them.     

A good con will get us wanting to align our goals with those of the person conning us i.e. the experienced con person will get us to want what they want. One serial rapist, I was involved in researching, understood this perfectly. He understood that when somebody goes on a date, their goal is to try and get another date e.g. they want/hope that they’ll meet somebody who they want to see again, and who wants to see them again. After all, that is the point of dating. As the evening was drawing to a close, he’d suggest that rather than ending the date at whatever location both parties had arranged to meet, that they go to another bar he knew (this was a more involved ploy that required getting the other person to get into his car with him). What he was doing was offering another “date” early i.e. no more waiting for somebody to call, text and/or email you the next day, you’ve already got your “next” date, etc. When somebody appears to be pre-empting what we want it’s good to have a few questions about whether this all seems too good to be true. It’s easy to convince ourselves that because we appear to want the same thing, this puts us on the same team, etc., and if agreeing brings us closer to the “reward” we are expecting we should certainly subscribe to what’s being suggested because after all we may never get this opportunity again… and so we fall for the con i.e. if the “offer” is only good for today, it’s probably not one we should be taking. If somebody really, genuinely wants to see you again, they really, genuinely want to see you again - if there is a sense of urgency and even finality about this, it’s good to hesitate and ask yourself a few questions concerning the safety of your actions.

We’re very good at convincing ourselves of the narrative we’ve created, especially if we’ve invested in it. I’ve seen martial artists double-down on the illegitimate claims of their instructors, when the claims and assertions they’ve made have been proved to be false, etc. A little bit of a reward goes a long way to buying loyalty and belief. Ponzi schemes pay out in the short-term, which is one of the reasons why they appear legitimate; and why people keep investing. Even when somebody hears the rumors that what they’re investing in may be suspect, many people will keep paying in, as a means and justification, to convince themselves that the scheme is legitimate. The moment you stop paying in is the moment you have to admit to yourself that you made a mistake – and that can be a hard thing to do, especially if you’ve invested heavily in it. Nobody wants to see themselves as a victim. Many people in abusive relationships, buy into them for the same reason, making excuses for their partner’s behavior and treatment towards them, because admitting that what they are experiencing is abuse, would mean viewing themselves in a very different light. If we initially buy into a con, the only way out is to recognize and admit what’s happened, and that can be hard, especially if we’ve invested a lot of ourselves in it.

A con can happen in seconds, and we can easily invest heavily in it, whether it’s a few lines of a story, or a more elaborate and complex scheme. Overly-dense language that seems to promise a lot is something to be aware of – if we need to be convinced of something then our alarm bells should be ringing. Taking a chance on something is just that, and where our safety might be compromised it’s better to play things safe, even if we miss that opportunity of a lifetime.