Domestic Violence & Sheltering In Place

About a week ago we took the decision to suspend our free women’s self-defense program for a few weeks, to try to help slow down the spread of COVID-19. I apologize for writing another article in relation to the pandemic, however I’d urge you to stay with me and read a bit further, as this is about specific populations, where locking down and staying in place – especially for an extended period of time - increases the risk of violence. Suspending classes was a very hard decision for us to make (even though from a public health perspective it made sense) as one of the modules in our program looks at intimate partner violence/domestic abuse. Whilst, initiatives to keep people at home, are obviously beneficial in slowing down the spread of the virus, they also increase the risk of violence to women and children who are in abusive relationships. In this article, I’d like to draw some attention to the phenomenon of intimate partner violence, so that we might better understand the situation of others who will be genuinely worrying for their safety, if a full quarantine is mandated/enforced. Unfortunately, I don’t have any solutions, and my intention is not to guilt-trip people into feeling bad, but rather to highlight the very real fears and difficulties that certain individuals may be facing at this time, with the hope that as/when we come out of this we don’t forget a very real problem that exists within our society – just as we shouldn’t forget the issues around child hunger, that the closing of schools has made us all very much aware of.

Cohen and Felson (1979), put forward the idea that crimes occur when there is a motivated offender, a suitable target, and the absence of a capable guardian. To put it in simple and practical terms, this echoes much of the personal safety advice our parents gave us when we were teenagers i.e. don’t hang around dangerous places with bad people, etc. Many feminist Victimologists at the time, understandably and rightly, took exception with this seemingly “universal” statement regarding crime, pointing out that there is an underlying victim blaming/responsibility foundation to the theory e.g. why did somebody put themselves in a place, where there was an absence of capable guardians, and how was it that they had reason to interact with a motivated offender, etc. They also pointed out, that one of the least safe locations for women was in the home, with the “motivated offender” and “capable guardian” being one and the same person i.e. their partner. This is one of the reasons, why in my time working in self-protection I have tried to take a situational approach to violence, looking at the relevant importance of the location where an attack took place, in comparison to the relationship that the target of the violent action had with their assailant/attacker e.g. if the assault was committed by a stranger the location is usually the driving component in an incident, whereas if the aggressive and violent behavior experienced was committed by somebody the target knew, then it is more likely to be the type and nature of the relationship, rather than the location that is the driving force behind the offense, etc. This is not to say that Cohen and Felson’s Routine Activity Theory isn’t a valid tool for understanding crime, but rather to highlight the difficulties in having a universal theory that is applicable for all crimes. For most of us, the home is a safe location with public places representing those locations where we are most at risk; for victims of intimate partner violence, the opposite is true – making lockdown policies inherently dangerous for women in abusive relationships.

Two common questions that people often have about women in abusive relationships, whether physical or non-physical, are: “How did she let this happen to her?”, and, “Why doesn’t she just leave?”. Abusive individuals rarely show their full hands in the early days of a relationship, and some of the warning signs that are there, can easily be explained away e.g. somebody’s actions which can be interpreted as controlling, can also be seen as caring; it may seem flattering to be with someone who is always checking where you are, if you’re alright, and if there’s anything that you need, etc. Often in the initial stages of a relationship, abusive individuals are charming, focused and interested in everything about the person they are with. This “interest” may in fact be about gathering information and intelligence, that can be used to further control the person they have identified they want to be with. It is very easy to contextualize predatory actions and behaviors, in a way that although irksome, is in fact flattering and rewarding. We may like to think that we are immune to these type of behaviors, but we all have weak spots that can be exploited, and if we’re unlucky enough to run into somebody who picks up on these things, then it is likely we will be taken advantage of, in some way, shape or form. Most abusers suffer from a rigidity in their thinking, concerning relationships and other aspects of their lives. They may genuinely believe that a partner should satisfy all the other partner’s needs e.g. you don’t need friends, family or other social contacts, because they can give you everything that these people used to, etc. As a result, you end up spending all your time with them, rather than anybody else, as you don’t want to offend or hurt their feelings. Sometimes isolation is a deliberate and conscious strategy to exert further control over their partner, other times it is the indirect result of the abuser’s rigid thinking. As the abusive partner starts to question their partner’s commitment to them, they may start using psychological and emotional abuse to get them to question their value and self-worth. This may take the form statements whose meaning can be hard to interpret e.g. “You’re really fortunate to have found someone like me, who doesn’t mind that you’re overweight”, etc. As they become stressed by both internal relationship factors, and external ones, such as losing their job, not being promoted fast enough, feeling socially slighted by their friends, or being cooped up in their home for 2-3 weeks, things might take a physical turn.

Physical abuse may start with no contact, and involve intimidatory posturing, throwing objects near to their partner, rather than at them, barring them from leaving or entering a room, snatching objects out of their hand(s), etc. Often after these outbursts they are extremely apologetic, and remorseful, and a honeymoon period starts, where they are the most caring and attentive person. If somebody has invested time in a relationship, and can see the good side of their partner, whilst recognizing and understanding the pressures they are under, etc., they are likely to excuse and forgive these behaviors rather than leave the relationship. It is one thing to understand what is happening as an independent individual watching in from the outside, it is another to be cold, clinical, and emotionally detached when it’s happening to you, especially if there are children involved, and you have little financial independence. Then there will come the time, as stress builds and erupts, when the partner becomes physically violent and punches are thrown – and the cycle of abuse restarts: apologies/remorse, honeymoon period, stress-building phase, eruption, etc. Once the loop becomes a familiar cycle, the abused party starts to adapt and learn to cope; this is what is needed to initially survive. At this stage, the abusive partner is very likely to start cutting off every possible means of escape i.e. there are a lot of reasons that individuals are unable to leave; and this goes for women who occupy positions of power in businesses, organizations and corporations, etc., as well - Intimate Partner Violence is not restricted to certain income groups and demographics.

This is a very simplified overview/example of an extremely complex problem. The times we are in currently are uncertain and unsettling, which will contribute to everybody’d stress levels, however fortunately for most people this won’t contribute/trigger their partner to engage in physically violent outbursts against them. For some, a period of forced quarantine may result in a bit of cabin fever, however for others this may be a much riskier time.