Grudges & Revenge

I have written about the “pull” factors involved in violent offending before e.g., that for some, violence can be an exciting and attractive experience; soccer hooligans enjoy the emotional high that they experience from fighting etc. In this article I want to look at the allure of revenge, and why for some people, there is a need to engage in violent acts against those who they believe have committed injustices against them. I want to focus primarily on planned/premeditated acts of revenge, that happen some time after the “injustice” took place, rather than violent reactions and responses that happen in the moment e.g., there is a difference between someone who comes home to find their partner in bed with someone else, and shoots them in the heat of the moment, and one who waits until a later date to exact their revenge. I also want to exclude, delayed acts of aggression and violence that are motivated primarily by fear, and a need to reduce or eliminate a threat e.g., a victim of intimate partner violence (IPV), who plans to kill their abusive partner because they believe it is necessary for their own – and possibly their children’s – survival. In short, I want to look at why people hold “grudges” and often feel a pressing need to “get even” i.e., violent acts that are purely about retribution.

A ”grudge”, is usually defined in psychology, as persistent feelings of resentment, against one or more parties/entities (an individual can have ill will towards a business or organization), that is the result of a past injustice. Many active shooters/killers, hold grudges for long periods of time e.g., the Columbine killers, Klebold and Harris, expressed through journals, and videotapes, over a number of years, the need to punish fellow classmates, and the institution (the school), for the unfair and unjust way(s) they had been treated etc. A study by van Monsjou et al., (2021), found that there are six underlying components, that are involved in holding a grudge. These are:

• 1. A need for validation from all parties
• 2. Moral superiority over the transgressor
• 3. Inability to “let go.”
• 4. Latency & triggering events
• 5.Severing ties
• 6. Expectations about the future

It may be that if we experience an injustice against us, we feel that we are being personally invalidated e.g., Joseph T. Wesbecker (who was responsible for the Standard Gravure workplace shooting), felt that his supervisors were giving preferential treatment to co-workers, and were deliberately treating him unfairly; something he took personally. He felt a need for both management and his co-workers to “validate”, the person he saw himself as, and when this didn’t happen, and he experienced a continuation of these invalidations, he formed a grudge, against all parties involved in the injustice. Joseph T. Wesbecker sought validation from: the transgressor (management and supervisors), from others (the co-workers who witnessed his personal invalidation), and from himself. Wesbecker was an “Injustice Collector”, who added each transgression to the others. People who hold grudges, believe that they are right to do so i.e., they are a better person than their transgressor(s) i.e., they are the righteous one. Sometimes, an individual may feel sad about the individual(s) who were responsible for the transgression, such as when it has caused them to lose someone they though of as a friend (severing ties) etc., however sadness is often replaced by indignation, which fuels the grudge further. Often people cannot simply “let go” of the transgression, having constant thoughts and reminders about it. The need to remove this sense of powerlessness – that the grudge is in control and has taken over their life – is one of the things that motivates the need for revenge. Revenge is seen as a way to take back control. Sometimes, a “grudge” lies dormant until there is a triggering event e.g., someone may have forgotten about an injustice over time, until something happens that brings it up again e.g., this could be hearing a song on the radio, which was their cheating partner’s favorite etc. Many people who have held a grudge, will be less trusting in the future, fearing that others may also betray them in some way. Many will argue that this has made them a tougher and more careful individual etc. These are the individuals who have learned to live and cope with the injustice, however there are others who feel the need for revenge.

Narcissists, have the need for everyone to see them in a certain way i.e., the image that they have created of themselves; Narcissus fell in love with his reflection in the lake, not with himself. When a Narcissist feels that this image is not being validated, they will often respond with Narcissistic Rage. This is an intense, uncontrollable anger, that sometimes results in physical violence, against those they believe aren’t seeing them as they should. Once this initial “psychic defense” occurs, and they calm down, they will often feel the need to exact revenge against those who caused them this psychological and emotional harm. As long as this individual has the ability and capacity to question their “reflection” in the future they will need to be “harmed” in some way. This could be physically, but it could also be socially e.g., they may engage in a series of acts which socially discredit the person, so that their future thoughts and opinions are devalued. They may also engages in a campaign of psychological and emotional bullying both as a punishment, and as a deterrent so that the person acts differently towards them in the future etc. Narcissists, have many of the character traits that make them grudge holders, who exact revenge, and this is why I am using this personality disorder to demonstrate, how multiple components of a grudge work together to fuel revenge i.e., there is a need for validation, a sense of moral superiority, an inability to let go, the need to sever ties with those who transgressed them, and a negative belief about the future, which they want to turn into a positive one etc.

Not everyone who holds a grudge engages in revenge. However the more components of a grudge exist, the more likely it is that someone will. Bearing a significant grudge over a period of time, and especially one that constantly invades a person’s thoughts, is psychologically and emotionally costly. At some point a person may want to be released from it, and revenge may be the only way they can see to do this. Another cost, which is often not realized, is the physical cost to a person’s health who is bearing a grudge over time. A study in 2009, by Messias et al., found that those who held long-term grudges had an increased association with cardiovascular disease, and stomach ulcers.