Presenting Real Life Violence To Children

The world can be a scary place; seemingly “random” acts of violence which are difficult to predict do occur. Last week In Melrose – a city in the Greater Boston Area - a female jogger reported being the victim of an attempted abduction, when a van pulled up and two men tried to drag her inside. Whilst we may find it difficult to understand what has happened, children who are exposed to such a big local story as this will find it even harder to place such an event/incident in to context; and parents may be at a loss to help them understand the seriousness of the event whilst at the same time not wanting to cause such alarm that their children become completely scared of the world they live in. As the parent of a seven year old, I have had to explain (in the last year) school shootings and acts of terrorism to my son, without wanting to scar or traumatize him. I believe we have a responsibility to educate our children as to the world they live in, whilst at the same time not denying them a certain innocence that they are entitled to and is necessary for their healthy social growth.

One of the greatest dis-services we can do to our children, is to take away their ability to be a decision-maker where their own personal safety is concerned. Sometimes we do this inadvertently. I have always been very aware never to tell my son when I drop him off at school, to do what his teacher says, but rather to be good instead. Too often we tell our children to do what another adult tells them to do unconditionally, without considering that they may come across those adults who haven’t got their best interests at heart. I am don’t want to undermine the authority of those who are placed in positions of responsibility where children are concerned but neither do I want to empower those who may be inclined to abuse that authority and responsibility. I would always want my kid to speak up against what he believed to be wrong and not blindly follow the commands of another adult because I’ve told him to do what that person says.

I’ve also been very aware not to confuse political correctness and social acceptability with victim conditioning. I have spent many an hour watching children’s social activities, where kids play alongside each other or together and become engaged in territorial battles over toys and games etc. All too often I have seen one child go and grab a toy off another (my son has played both roles in such incidents),  and the parent of the child who was originally playing with the toy telling them that they must “share” with the child who was/is attempting to take the toy by force. Sharing to me has never meant giving in. If a child wants to play with the toy another is using they should be conditioned to ask not to take, and the child playing with the toy should only be expected to share what they have if they are asked to, otherwise they should hold on to and protect what they have. I’m all for sharing, I’m not for capitulation.

Children, especially where violence is concerned, understand a lot more about the world than we believe. By the age of three they are well versed in many basic survival skills and are able to recognize and predict aggressive behavior. When we hide the truth and tell them that the world is a safe place and that they have nothing to fear, they don’t really believe us, and we end up putting certain doubts in their heads about how safe they actually are. We cannot restrict their exposure to events in the world e.g.my son new about the Boston Marathon Bombings, but we can be honest with them about what has happened without exposing them to details which would allow their imaginations to run wild. My son’s understanding of the Middle East conflict (possibly the most complex violent situation on the planet) is restricted to the view that there are countries and people who don’t like Israel and commit violent acts against it, such as killing people. He’s seen aggression and violence in the schoolyard, he understands how this microcosm replicates the real and larger world.

In small communities an abduction attempt is going to be heard by everyone very quickly, including children. Being able to explain honestly and simply that these people meant to harm this woman, whilst explaining how rare such attacks are, is far more beneficial than denying what happened, concocting another story or being alarmist. Fear is learnt, and our responses to aggression and violence are soon picked up on; presenting things honestly, simply and correctly – without being overly protective – is the most beneficial way to go.