Secrets

The Importance of “Secrets”

On Saturday I taught Module 1 of the SEPS Women’s Self Defense Program, which focused on rape and sexual assaults. Although it wasn’t my intention to talk about the ways that Sexual Predators, keep their victims from telling people what has happened to them, the discussion section of the module resulted in me explaining some of the methods that they use. I used the example of a victim being raped by the best friend of their partner/boyfriend in their own home – statistically, women are most likely to be assaulted by people they know, in their own home, or the home of someone else (rapes by strangers that happen in remote places are much rarer). I explained that the rapist, only has to cause the victim to delay in reporting the assault, to ensure that it’s never revealed – if an assailant says for example, “I’ve known your boyfriend for 15 years, you’ve only known him for 2, who do you think he’ll believe if you tell him about this?” the question is usually enough to get the victim to question whether their partner will believe that there was a level of consent involved, and force them to question telling their boyfriend/partner what happened. The longer the delay in saying anything, the less likely they’ll be believed e.g. why didn’t they something immediately, if this was actually what happened? The idea of keeping things secret is something that all sexual assailants are keen to promote, whether they target adults or children.

Pedophiles understand the power that secrets hold for children. In a child’s world, information is normally the only thing they can exert control over, especially if they are operating in an adult’s world. I remember, as a child, that knowing something somebody else didn’t held great power for me e.g. if I knew what a particular birthday present that my sister was about to get was, and she didn’t then that knowledge and power was intoxicating to me. Pedophiles know how to exploit this. They “allow” children to enter their adult world, and share their secrets with them. The perceived power that these children have, encourages them to keep (and “enjoy”) these secrets. It may seem “perverse” to suggest that children enjoy the power of these secrets however the pedophile has to provide certain benefits along with the abuse, or the child would never go along with it. Pedophiles understand this; they have to give something to their victims, otherwise they would simply tell, and secrets are one way to do this – along with attention, bribes, gifts and the like. Continued abuse, is rarely maintained on fear alone (something which often separates it from one off instances of sexual abuse).

If we are to protect our children from those who prey on them, we need to educate them as to what are “positive” secrets and those that are not. I have been guilty of involving my seven year old son in “secrets”, not those that involve harm but that benefit others, however I also recognize that I do this to give him a sense of power and control, and to share/reinforce a bond between us. As I do this I have to also recognize how a predatory individual would use these same methods to make sure that he would keep quiet about a sexual abuse, committed against him. I know my child and I know he’s not stupid, and pedophiles know he’s not stupid either – intelligence is always something that can be manipulated, and sexual predators understand the importance of a good argument, and “sensible reasoning” –they will do this to their victim, as well as the parents of the victim.

There are no good secrets where children are concerned. We are in a season of present giving and having wrapped presents – where we disguise and hide the contents of the gift. ”Sharing” this knowledge, of you knowing what the present is or what you are getting for someone, may seem innocent, however when you do it you are reinforcing one of the tools that the pedophile uses. This may seem extreme, but when a trusted individual uses or replicates a method used by a sexual predator, a child may be left in a confused state about what is right and what is wrong. I despise that I have to give up certain innocent behaviors and actions that I would like to perform/display to my son however I also view his safety as my primary concern and so I don’t involve him in “secrets”, and from knowing how Pedophiles work, involving my child in secrets is something I am happy to give up.