Perhaps the most frightening thing about being involved in a fight/violent confrontation is the realization that the other party feels no longer bound to respect the law or other social conventions. For whatever reason they believe the use of force is justified either to resolve a dispute/injustice or acquire an “asset”, whether that is something you own, or you, yourself etc. This entry into an unknown world is what makes punches feel harder than they physically are, as they come with a psychological and emotional weight, which adds power to them. In the physical confrontations I’ve been in, I have tried to separate the physical pain from the psychological/emotional distress, and when I have been able to do this, I have been able to recognize that the punches and blows which connect actually aren’t as painful as they first seemed. Those who have a lot of experience of “street fighting” (whatever that actually is) have come to terms with the emotional/psychological component and have either learnt to ignore it or manage it and to just get on with the job of causing the other party(s) pain and injury i.e., they think less about what is happening to themselves and more about what they are going to do to the other person(s) etc. If there were “rules” to real-life physical confrontations we might be more comfortable when dealing with them e.g., if we knew that when we dropped to the floor the fight was over, or if we could “tap” when we’d had enough etc., we would be in a more predictable world, with known outcomes, which would make a confrontation less distressing. However, this is not the case as real-life violence is non-consensual and there is no agreement between those involved as to how the fight should be conducted. This doesn’t mean that each party doesn’t have certain expectations of how things will go down.

                Many years ago, whilst working security in a club I had to assist with restraining someone who had got into a fight with another person; that person had wanted no part of the confrontation and had simply covered up to defend themselves and from what we had seen hadn’t thrown a single punch. In the process of restraining the aggressor, I had pulled their hooded top over their head, which restricted both their sight and the movement of their arms. Eventually the individual accepted that he was fully restrained and stopped struggling. When we got him to his feet, the first thing he said was that pulling his top over his head wasn’t “fair”. He then laughed, realizing the stupidity of what he’d just said; he’d broken the “rules” and believed that everyone would then play by his “rules”, which didn’t involve having his clothing used against him. Different people have different expectations of what violence will look and feel like. Some people will hope/think that if they “go down” and drop to the floor in a fetal position their aggressor will not continue in their assault – I have seen this happen, I’ve also seen it not happen. If both parties’ “expectations” line up, then there may be “predictable” outcomes to a fight – the problem is unless both parties have agreed to a set of rules beforehand, nobody has a chance of knowing what they are.

                This is where our previous experiences of violence can fool and mislead us. At my High School if two people got into a conflict where the only agreed upon resolution was a physical one, a fight or a “Square Go” at a Bandstand in a park across the way from the school would be organized. There was a loose “rule” that the only spectators allowed to attend were those in the same school year as those that were fighting. Restricting audience size meant that everyone would be able to see the fight. There was no referee, and the fight would normally start with both parties attacking each other verbally and then someone would push, punch the other etc., and the fight was on. I only ever saw one, one-punch knockdown that cleanly ended the confrontation, and most ended up in some form of clinch, with each person throwing fairly ineffective punches at each other. Once it became obvious nothing more entertaining was going to happen, those fighting would be pulled apart by their friends and nine times out of ten, the two involved would become friends and congratulate each other on how well they’d both done in the fight etc. If that was a person’s only education into violence, that all fights follow a certain type of “format”, then there is a danger that when they get into a fight in a bar, pub or club, that things will go a similar way e.g., that at some point friends/other people will pull them apart etc. They may even verbally up-the-ante with another person because they can only think about a certain set of possible physical consequences etc.

                Whilst an aggressor may not have any rules concerning a confrontation, they are likely to have certain expectations of what will happen in a fight, and we don’t know what those are. If we try to imagine them, we may talk ourselves into adopting ineffectual strategies e.g., we might tell ourselves not to punch them too hard because it could make them angrier (punching them at all is likely to make someone “angry” so we might as well do it with full force in a way that could conclude the confrontation). There are things they may not expect or have considered e.g., unless they are women, they may not think about grabbing the hair, they may not expect to be bitten, and/or have their fingers attacked etc. There are two reasons to fight: ego or survival. The school fights I talked about earlier were all matters of ego, nobody had to fight, they chose to because their teenage egos told them that they had to. The violence engaged in was consensual, and it involved a predictable format that had “tacit” rules; all those involved new what to expect. Real-life violence has no “rules” though most people expect fights to go a certain way, and for certain things to happen and not to happen e.g., most people don’t “think” they’ll get bitten. If you are fighting for survival – not ego – such actions and tactics have to be on the table. In a fight for survival there is no such thing as “dirty” fighting as your aggressor lost the right to a “fair” fight the moment that you tried to walk away.